On Boyfriends

Whenever I met a relative or an old friend or a phone call from an acquaintance whom I can hardly recall their name they would always ask the same question, "Dah ada boyfriend?" or "Hows your boyfriend?" or "Tell me about your love life". Which would be replied with a "Mana ada" and "Takde boyfriend pun" and "Non-existent", every single time.

So why bother asking? I bet you know what the answer is gonna be. Its like meeting someone and saying "My Lord, you've grown so much!" its just another way of saying "I'm so glad someone else is fatter than me". Well I don't get that a lot but I do say that a lot and it never fail to make me relieved every time. So instead of asking such questions why don't you just jump on the main point and say "I know you're a loser with no boyfriend so let me tell you about mine." Then I could just save my voice for something better.

Though maybe a minority of my friends who ask such questions really do meant what they are saying and is sincerely interested to know about it. But why? Hmmm. Well, if you're one of those who are sincerely interested to know why. Here I'll tell you.

Well, in the first place how should I get a boyfriend? Do guys kneel and present you a ring and ask if you would like to be his girlfriend? Or do they get their family to come over to your house and merisik you to become their girlfriend? Is that how it works? No? Do you read this sentence with your eyes rolling wondering how I turned so dumb? If that so, lets just skip this.

Say one day I do get a boyfriend which falls from the sky (really? the sky? what is he? an alien? never mind). What should I do with him? I mean, what should we talk about? I heard people saying that a good boyfriend is one who can act both as a boyfriend and a bestfriend. So maybe I should treat him like one of my bestfriend. We always talk about other girls or talk about her boyfriend and of course fashion.

Though I don't want to talk to him about some godforsaken girl who he doesn't know or I couldn't ask him how his boyfriend is doing. I guess I'm left with fashion. I'm always enthusiastic and excited everytime I find a great fashion find. I could talk about it for hours. Great. This could work. I could text him something like this....

"OMG! I just bought the most breathtakingly beautiful fishtail top from Forever 21!"

Would he be psyched about that? Hmm I'd probably just get a reply like this...

"What are you doing with fishtail? Why are you saying you're 21. You're not. Honey, I think you're delusional. We should break up."

Oh, that would be bad. I wouldn't wanna break up that early, it'll leave a bad impression on my love history. So if he doesn't speak fashion maybe I should start speaking his language. Like football. Yeah. Football is good. I know a thing or two about football. I know a lot of football players. I even know their wives. Footballers are really hot.

"Sayang, are you watching football now? Its MU playing. Christiano Ronaldo is so hot!"

Then he'd reply,

"I know, I feel like ripping his shirt off."

Or not. Because if he does then it'd just be awkward or I'll find out that he's actually gay. Then people would write up my first love story on Mastika. Sigh. I wouldn't want that to happen. Well, if we don't have any common interest, what else should we talk about? I heard some couples text each other by the end of the day and tell them how their day went. Its the same concept of having a diary. Just that this would cost a lot more than a thick scented book.

Well, what if my days are boring? I don't wanna bore him. Plus, I never had a diary, I never know what to write in them. I envied my sister who does have one. Her days seem so interesting and memorable. So I did get a diary once because it have cute snoopy sketch at every page but I never write anything in it except for a couple of page worth of a huge writing saying "I HATE ****" which I probably wrote when I was pissed at her.

So should I do the same with my boyfriend? Should I text him in caps lock whenever I'm mad at someone or should I just call him and scream it out loud? Well, that doesn't sound so romantic. I don't think anyone would like that. This is getting so hard. I don't know what to do with my boyfriend. It couldn't get any worse.

Or it could. You know some couples even text their spouse all day long? I literally mean it. All day long. All. Day. Long. While they are driving and walking and breathing and eating. What do they text anyway?

"Sayang, what are you doing?

"I'm eating."

"What are you eating?"

"Food."

"Cool. So what are you doing now?"

"I'm chewing."

Well, that could probably lead to an endless texts of pointless conversations but it wouldn't be a very fun activity for me to be doing with my boyfriend. Sigh. I should just give up. I suck at being a girlfriend.

I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. Wait, I shouldn't say that. So I'm taking it back or maybe I should just hit the backspace key now. Either way, you get my point. My apologies. I shouldn't say never. Because we never know what might happen in the future.

However, if howsoever I did get a boyfriend and whosoever that is unfortunate enough to be my significant other would have to be a very patient man. BIG TIME.