The Ugly Truth

I used to get hate mails from my haters referring to me as 'Ugly Syarah'. It used to make me sad but I get over it. Come to think of it, it's pretty catchy. Kinda like Ugly Betty. Only better. If Ugly Betty were to make a Malay version of the soap, they should name it Ugly Syarah. Then I would have to star in it.

Then, when I won ABPBH award, I could thanks my haters for coming up with such a catchy name. Though I don't think that's what they intended to do. If I read the whole hate message, it sounded more like an attempt to insult me. But why insult using a fact? Its like calling a fat person fat. Its not an insult. Its just fact. Like Fat Joe and Big Momma. They wouldn't call themselves fat if they think of it as an insult. Or calling a thin person skinny. Like Twiggy. Its not an insult. Its more of a trade mark and its definitely catchy too.

I am not living in denial. I know how I look like and its anything but pretty. I look in the mirror everyday. Sometimes I'd say things like "OMG! I'm so pretty!" to my reflection but only to entertain myself because then I'll get to laugh uproariously. Its a good kick start to my day.

Sure, all you nice people who are reading this would probably say things like 'beauty is subjective' or 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. Well, that is true but most of us have pretty much the same idea of how pretty should look like. I.e.

If I say that the first picture is ugly and the 2nd picture is pretty, I'm sure most people would agree with me. Unless that beholder's pair of eyes are terribly damaged. See? We do have general guideline of what beautiful is.

Why are girls constantly pressured to be pretty or think that they're pretty? From magazines to media and parents and just about everything. There's even a song trying to convince people that they're pretty. Yup, I'm talking about that song 'Who Says' by Selena Gomez. What is the message of that song? Is she trying to convince everyone that they're perfect? Because they're not. No one is.

Its like telling a cat that its a dog. No matter how much you taught it to bark and do other doggie stuff with it, it'll never turn into a dog. The cat could believe that its a dog. But by the end of the day it still is a cat.

Thinking and believing that you're pretty couldn't change any feature of your face. Plus, what's so bad about being ugly? Worse things could happen to you. Like being handicapped or disabled or mentally retarded. Being ugly doesn't make you an inferior human being. You are capable of doing things like pretty people too, maybe you can even do it better. If you still think that being ugly is unfortunate, then I'll tell you some advantages of being ugly.

First of all, being ugly means that you are not distracting people with your beauty. Have you seen pretty people who would just turn out pretty no matter what they wear? Its like their effort of dressing up is worthless. Then they couldn't be models because people would just stare at their faces instead of the clothes. Hooray for ugly people! Yay me!

The next best thing about being ugly is that I don't have to be nice to people. When you're pretty and you start making attitude to the people who are nice to you people would instantly label you sombong. As for ugly people, it would be okay if they don't treat them nicely. People just don't care because they're ugly.

Being pretty is like giving everyone the license to stare at you. If you're pretty, you can't be mad when people are looking at you. Because everyone like to look at pretty people. Old people, young people, girls, boys, babies, cats - everyone like looking at pretty people. But if you're ugly and people start looking at you, you could just give them the what-are-you-looking-at? stare and they would instantly look away. Isn't that nice? I did that all the time. If I'm pretty I wouldn't be able to do that.

See, being ugly is fun too. :D

Ugly people might not have a beautiful face. But if you beautify your mind and heart, then you would get something better....a beautiful soul.

On Boyfriends

Whenever I met a relative or an old friend or a phone call from an acquaintance whom I can hardly recall their name they would always ask the same question, "Dah ada boyfriend?" or "Hows your boyfriend?" or "Tell me about your love life". Which would be replied with a "Mana ada" and "Takde boyfriend pun" and "Non-existent", every single time.

So why bother asking? I bet you know what the answer is gonna be. Its like meeting someone and saying "My Lord, you've grown so much!" its just another way of saying "I'm so glad someone else is fatter than me". Well I don't get that a lot but I do say that a lot and it never fail to make me relieved every time. So instead of asking such questions why don't you just jump on the main point and say "I know you're a loser with no boyfriend so let me tell you about mine." Then I could just save my voice for something better.

Though maybe a minority of my friends who ask such questions really do meant what they are saying and is sincerely interested to know about it. But why? Hmmm. Well, if you're one of those who are sincerely interested to know why. Here I'll tell you.

Well, in the first place how should I get a boyfriend? Do guys kneel and present you a ring and ask if you would like to be his girlfriend? Or do they get their family to come over to your house and merisik you to become their girlfriend? Is that how it works? No? Do you read this sentence with your eyes rolling wondering how I turned so dumb? If that so, lets just skip this.

Say one day I do get a boyfriend which falls from the sky (really? the sky? what is he? an alien? never mind). What should I do with him? I mean, what should we talk about? I heard people saying that a good boyfriend is one who can act both as a boyfriend and a bestfriend. So maybe I should treat him like one of my bestfriend. We always talk about other girls or talk about her boyfriend and of course fashion.

Though I don't want to talk to him about some godforsaken girl who he doesn't know or I couldn't ask him how his boyfriend is doing. I guess I'm left with fashion. I'm always enthusiastic and excited everytime I find a great fashion find. I could talk about it for hours. Great. This could work. I could text him something like this....

"OMG! I just bought the most breathtakingly beautiful fishtail top from Forever 21!"

Would he be psyched about that? Hmm I'd probably just get a reply like this...

"What are you doing with fishtail? Why are you saying you're 21. You're not. Honey, I think you're delusional. We should break up."

Oh, that would be bad. I wouldn't wanna break up that early, it'll leave a bad impression on my love history. So if he doesn't speak fashion maybe I should start speaking his language. Like football. Yeah. Football is good. I know a thing or two about football. I know a lot of football players. I even know their wives. Footballers are really hot.

"Sayang, are you watching football now? Its MU playing. Christiano Ronaldo is so hot!"

Then he'd reply,

"I know, I feel like ripping his shirt off."

Or not. Because if he does then it'd just be awkward or I'll find out that he's actually gay. Then people would write up my first love story on Mastika. Sigh. I wouldn't want that to happen. Well, if we don't have any common interest, what else should we talk about? I heard some couples text each other by the end of the day and tell them how their day went. Its the same concept of having a diary. Just that this would cost a lot more than a thick scented book.

Well, what if my days are boring? I don't wanna bore him. Plus, I never had a diary, I never know what to write in them. I envied my sister who does have one. Her days seem so interesting and memorable. So I did get a diary once because it have cute snoopy sketch at every page but I never write anything in it except for a couple of page worth of a huge writing saying "I HATE ****" which I probably wrote when I was pissed at her.

So should I do the same with my boyfriend? Should I text him in caps lock whenever I'm mad at someone or should I just call him and scream it out loud? Well, that doesn't sound so romantic. I don't think anyone would like that. This is getting so hard. I don't know what to do with my boyfriend. It couldn't get any worse.

Or it could. You know some couples even text their spouse all day long? I literally mean it. All day long. All. Day. Long. While they are driving and walking and breathing and eating. What do they text anyway?

"Sayang, what are you doing?

"I'm eating."

"What are you eating?"

"Food."

"Cool. So what are you doing now?"

"I'm chewing."

Well, that could probably lead to an endless texts of pointless conversations but it wouldn't be a very fun activity for me to be doing with my boyfriend. Sigh. I should just give up. I suck at being a girlfriend.

I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. Wait, I shouldn't say that. So I'm taking it back or maybe I should just hit the backspace key now. Either way, you get my point. My apologies. I shouldn't say never. Because we never know what might happen in the future.

However, if howsoever I did get a boyfriend and whosoever that is unfortunate enough to be my significant other would have to be a very patient man. BIG TIME.

Islamic Schools

Do you know how the education system in Malaysia works? Well, if you don't its pretty simple. Basically, there's primary school for children up to 12 years old and then there is secondary school until they reach 17 years old. There is also an optional sixth form for those who wouldn't mind being tormented in school a little longer. That's it. The end. Full stop. You get all the education you need and then its up to you to do whatever you wish.

But wait, where is the slot for Islamic school? Isn't the majority of Malaysians are Muslims?

The answer for that question is a yes but don't you know that Islamic education isn't all that important compared to academic education? Well that is, until your sweet little child turn out to be a nightmare. Only then they would consider sending them to Islamic schools.

Somehow, parents just have a somewhat wild fantasy that once they send their mischievous child to an Islamic school, they would magically turn out to be an angel by the time they pick them up. I wonder, do they think that these schools perform magic? Because I have no idea what makes them think so. I see no magician guy in an Islamic school. Guy with a black cape. No. Guy with a tall black hat. Nope. Guy with a fold able black cane. Nada. Guy with tall black hat taking out a rabbit from his hat. Definitely no sight of that.

Well maybe these parents are just being optimistic. When they see how wonderful the teachers are, they just assume that they could read some spells and magically turn their children into little angels. Well if that really works then maybe we could just send criminals to school. By the time they serve their time they would be angels. So we wouldn't have to put them on parole or worry that they might perform another crime.

Just imagine how much we could save by sending them to school instead of prison. No more subsidy for orange jumpsuits. Say one orange jumpsuit costs RM20. A thousand prisoner would cost the government RM20000. That is just one prison. For another four prisons that would sum up a total cost of RM100,000. Heck, that's a lot of money!

So why don't the government implement this great idea of mine? Do they not believe in magic? Or at least they don't think that Islamic schools can perform magic. Or maybe because I haven't told them so about this. Sigh. Never mind.

In the end, when the magic does work and their child is finally changing for the better, they would simply take them out of the school. In a split second, just like that. Ding! That's another magic for ya. One minute you're in and the next you're out.

So when they start growing up and actually hits puberty they no longer have a spiritual education to guide their morale. But instead they were only thought about basic Islamic stuff when they were child and left hanging without a guidance once they become teenager. While teenage years are actually the most vulnerable period of your life. A good child doesn't always stay good neither is a naughty child would remain naughty until their adulthood. But a problematic teenager might turn into a troubled adult if they are not guided properly.

Moreover, do your really think that children would remember everything they learn when they were young? Ask yourself, do you remember everything you learn in primary school? Can you answer me if I ask you, "What is an anthropoid?" I guess not. Or even if you do, most of us don't. If you don't believe me you should start watching "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?".

In the end, we would be growing a generation of confused teenagers who are not sure of their identity. Their role in this world as khalifah of Allah are not known let alone performing it. Sure, they could probably learn some Islamic stuff when they gain the concern to learn more about it. But only when they are mature enough to figure that. What if they don't? Whats worse is what if they die before they got the chance to learn all that.

Then, when you die what would you answer in front of Allah when He asks if you have educate your children about Islam?

The S in Slow

Menjadi seorang yang berhati busuk yang suka mencari kesalahan orang dan express dalam cara yang paling sarcastic, aku selalu end up menggelakkan sesuatu yang aku rasa bodoh tapi in the end actually sebenarnya aku yang bodoh. Make sense tak?

Ok dah, kalau ikut logik aku untuk explain benda ni kat korang, confirm takde siapa faham punya.

Jadi aku bagi contoh je la, senang sikit nak faham kan.

Contoh #1

Sewaktu di dalam kereta dalam perjalanan pulang ke rumah, kami lalu sepanjang jalan raya, jalan highway dan jalan kampung. Yang paling menarik sekali ialah sewaktu lalu jalan kampung. Mesti aku tertanya-tanya macam mana kehidupan orang di kampung dan macam-macam lagi soalan yang aku tertanya-tanya. Hinggalah ternampak satu signboard tertulis:

"TEMPAT MEMANCING UDANG HIDUP"

Terus aku tergelak dan membuat muka menyindir sambil angkat kening tinggi sebelah macam Ziana Zain. Macam "Haha, WTF? Udang HIDUP?"

Aku pun terus tergelak sambil tanya kepada ibu bapa:

"DUUHH, mestilah udang tu hidup, siapa nak pancing udang mati?"

Like derr -__-" dengan gaya muka disgusted.

Terus ibu bapa aku tergelak terbahak-bahak. Aku pun join gelak sekali sebab bangga spot sesuatu yang menggelikan hati semua orang. Tapi diaorang gelak macam terlebih lama pulak. Aku dah mula suspens, biar betul diaorang ni, tahu lah lawak tapi tak payah lah gelak lama sangat, kena sampuk hape. Lagi lama diaorang gelak, aku dah mula syak sesuatu, diaorang gelakkan signboard atau gelakkan aku ni. Lepas tu mak aku pun cakap:

"Orang panggil udang tu, udang hidup faham tak?"

Aku pun tergaru kepala dan bertanya lagi "Macam sejenis spesis ke?"

Diaorang sambung gelak lagi. Cis, confirm aku yang digelakkan ni.

Nasib baik lah aku termalu dengan keluarga sendiri je. Buatnya aku naik kereta dengan kawan-kawan dan mempamerkan kebodohan yang sama, tak ke malu tu. Elok-elok nak gelakkan orang, aku yang kena gelak. Ok dah, jadikan ini teladan.

Tapi nampaknya aku tak belajar apa-apa pun dari teladan tu. Dalam contoh #2, aku sibuk buat muka disgusted lepas habis tengok cerita Sucker Punch. Dalam hati macam "ewwww, confirm aku kena gelak sebab tengok cerita ni"

Aku pun menjaja dekat semua orang yang betapa serabut dan bersepah macam haramnya cerita tu dan jangan lah pegi tengok. Nasib baik tak sempat nak tulis reviu tentang cerita tu dekat blog sebab baru terbaca dekat status orang and blog orang tentang betapa best gilanya cerita tu sampai Shea bagi 5 out of 5. Ni menunjukkan ada sama aku sangat lembab sampai tak faham jalan cerita movie tu ataupun taste aku dalam tayangan filem sangat lah hebat sampai movie bertaraf 5 bintang pun tak dapat impress aku.

Ok confirm jawapan dia yang first tu.

Jadi kalau aku tulis entri pasal cara untuk heal penyakit ialah dengan makan madu, sekarang baru aku tahu yang kalau nak lebih berkesan lagi boleh campur dengan cuka ataupun ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar).

Mengikut Miss Google (aku tidak memberi jantina kepada Google dengan memanggilnya 'Miss Google' tapi literally ada seorang pekerja di spa yang aku jumpa tadi menggelar dirinya Miss Google) cuka juga salah satu amalan pemakanan Nabi Muhammad SAW. Untuk maklumat lebih lanjut sila Google sendiri.

Sakit Tekak

Seperti yang tajuk suggest, agak sakit tekak beberapa hari ni. Tapi belum tahap suara rocker lagi, setakat tahap nak telan air luiq terseksa gitu. Jadi bila tidur air liur terpaksa ikut highway exit keluar mulut kalau tak terseksa la menelan air liur basi sebaldi tu sewaktu tidur.

Bak kata orang, prevention is better than cure. Jadi, sebelum kita nak minum ubat batuk cap ibu dan anak atau cap kaki tiga mari kita analisa penyebab sakit tekak supaya boleh dieelak di kemudian hari.

Salah satu sebab kenapa tekak sakit ialah mungkin kerana ianya kering. Peneybab kekeringan tekak ialah sebab banyak bercakap?

Hmm...Mari kita imbas kembali, aktiviti bercakap dengan siapa beberapa hari ini.

Aktiviti 1:

Bercakap dengan atok.

Atok: Syarah...

Aku: Huh??

Atok: Syarah....

Aku: HUHHH??

Atok: Syarah....

Aku: HUHHH?? Ape dia????

Entah apa yang atok cakap sempat dengar sampai situ je. Lepastu bila atok nak sambung, giginya nak terkeluar dah. Jadi, baru nak sampai first point dah kena huh tiga kali. Penat aih cakap dengan atok ni.

Aktiviti 2:

Bercakap dengan mak (nenek)

Aku: Mak....

Mak: Huh

Aku: Mak...

Mak: HUHH??

Aku: Mak....

Mak: HUHHHH?? ****MAK??

Hehe, ok tu tipu semata-mata tapi situasi dia lebih kurang begitulah. Memang terasa macam karma menimpa diri semula. Walaupun aku cakap gigi tak terkeluar mak tetap tak faham-faham jugak. Haish.

Akhirnya kurang sudah aktiviti bercakap dengan mak dan atok apabila kami bertolak ke Kuantan. Di dalam kereta...

Aktiviti 3:

Bercakap dengan umi dan ayah di dalam kereta estima diesel yang bunyi macam naik lori.

Umi: bla bla bla...

Ayah: bla bla bla...

Aku: HUHHH?? APA DIA???

Ok diorang tak cakap dengan aku pun tapi nak buat-buat HUUHH sebab nak diaorang cakap kuat sikit boleh curi dengar sekali. Tetapi malangnya dengan bunyi kereta seperti naik kapal terbang karat (ceh padahal tak pernah naik pun Air Asia) memang hajat nak mendengar tak tercapai la.

Sekarang punca sakit tekak telah dianalisa. Malangnya, takde apa yang boleh dieelak. Takkan nak elak cakap dengan mak bapak pulak kan?

Jadi sekarang mari kita cari penawar sakit tekak selain cap kaki tiga dan cap ibu dan anak....

Mana lagi penyembuh semulajadi yang percuma? Tak payah nak ikut petua sangat eh. Bukan nye petua tu tak betul tapi entah-entah petua tu betul zaman mereka je. Almaklumlah kalau dulu petua mandi dari takungan air hujan malam Jumaat, sekrang air hujan malam Jumaat ke Ahad ke semua dah jadi asid. Tak pasal-pasal jadi mutan pulak lepas amalkan petua tu.

Jadi ambillah dari source yang paling di trusted....

Dan Kami turunkan dari Al-Quran itu sesuatu yang menjadi penawar (penyembuh) dan rahmat bagi orang-orang yang beriman dan Al-Quran itu tidaklah menambah kepada orang-orang yang zalim selain kerugian. (maksud Al-Quran Surah Al-Isra’, ayat 82)

Makanya mengikut al-Quran, penawar bagi kebanyakan penyakit termasuklah sakit tekak ialah...

Firman Allah dalam Surah An-Nahli ayat 68-69 bermaksud:-

“Dengan itu keluarlah minuman (madu) yang berlainan warnanya dari dalam badannya yang mengandungi penawar yang menyembuhkan bagi manusia”

Madu. Tetapi kalau anda tetap begedil eh berdegil macam aku tak nak jugak minum madu, maka tanggung lah sakit tekak yang berlarutan. Lepastu bila tidur mulut ternganga lagi lah kering mulut tu jadi. Air liur terkeluar sampai lencun bantal lepastu rasa macam nak basuh sarung bantal tapi bila dah start blogging terus jadi malas. Hehehe. Jadi, kepada kaum kerabat keluarga yang baca entri ni boleh la tolong basuhkan sarung bantal. Wahahahha.

Teruja

Akhirnya selepas berhempas pulas melawan nafsu untuk tidak meng-update blog supaya nampak macam berhempas pulas study untuk final exam, sekarang nafsu sudah tidak perlu dikawal-kawal lagi dan boleh lah kita meng-update blog yang telah sekian lama ditinggal-tinggal.

Jadi kalau aku banyak merapu dalam entri kali ini silalah maafkan. Almaklumlah, benda yang dah lama ditinggal, bila jumpa balik mesti excited terlebih kan.

Contohnya macam atok aku, lepas dah berabad-abad lamanya tak naik basikal, bila reunite dengan basikal mesti lah excited terlebih kan. Kayuh pun laju-laju, selagi ada kereta yang mendahului selagi tu beliau meningkatkan kelajuan. Akhirnya, sikap teruja tu membawa padah. Kan dah terjatuh dari basikal. Alhamdulillah ada dua penduduk prihatin yang nak menolong atok.

Lepastu dah teruja la pula sebab ada orang dah tolong. Terus atok hadiahkan pokok bunga kat rumah yang membawa kepada kemarahan isterinya. Daripada situasi ini kita dapat pelajari bahawa sikap keterujaan yang melampau membawa padah.

Walaupun begitu, sebagai Melayu mudah lupa, kita semua mudah lah lupa apa yang telah diajarkan kepada kita.

Jadi, insiden yang lebih kurang sama telah berulang semalam.

Oleh sebab umi yang ter-over excited lepas jumpa kawan-kawan lama di kenduri, dan lalu jalan-jalan lama yang mengembalikan nostalgia nya, umi terus lah bercerita dengan penuh semangat dan keterujaan.

Dalam kereta baru balik dari kenduri nak balik Klang, umi pun bercerita...

"Eh, seronoknya lalu sebelah pantai-pantai ni"

Aku dan ayah hanya mengiakan.

"Dulu-dulu waktu nak balik JB lalu jalan ni la...seronok je..."

Aku dan ayah mengiakan lagi. Umi terus sembung bercakap...

"Ha SMK Rompin..."

Semua masih mengiakan lagi....

"EH KENAPA KITA KAT ROMPIN?"

Kali ni, keterujaan telah membawa 70km padah salah jalan. Walaupun kita masih lagi Melayu, confirm lepas ni tak boleh lupa dah.

Affifah Hanie Azlan

Kena juga tulis entri pasal bestfriend sorang ni sebab pertama kali-kalinya takde dengan dia nak bagi hadiah ke peluk cium ke hape untuk birthday dia. Ingat nak buat entri malam tadi tapi terlalu sibuk dengan nak study last minute untuk presentation la, labtest la, quiz la yang lepastu cancel rasa macam nak mengamuk je, penat-penat tension mengerutkan muka, tidur tak lena malam tu. Tapi tidur tak lena pun bangun lambat juga, takpe janji sampai ke kelas kan kan kan. Ok dah, tajuk nama lain, cerita pasal benda lain.

Affifah Hanie Azlan merupakan seorang perempuan yang meningkat usia 20 tahun hari ni. Jadi mari kita sama-sama mengucapkan selamat hari jadi kepada beliau, sebab semalam dapat wish dekat facebook je rasa macam fake friend gila yang ingat kawan waktu birthday je.

Beliau merupakan seorang yang tersangat fofular sebab bila wish kat FB terus wish tu hilang senyap-senyap ditolak oleh wishes kawan-kawan, scandals, KnKs, FWBs, exboyfriends, bekas madus and wannabes dia.

Oh well, hello siapa tak nak wish Paris Hilton versi Melayu yang suka pakai eye shadow warna biru, bedak glitter-glitter lepastu pandai masak spaghetti dan pandai jaga suami, disayangi mak mertua dan multi-talented boleh buat kad, kotak hati dan macam-macam lagi?

Kotak hati dan lain-lain hasil kerja tangan Affifah Hanie Azlan:

We're basically different version of the same person, thats why time and distance can't separate us. To my Blair when I'm Serena, to my Ashley when I'm Mary-Kate, to my Dearest Bestfriend, sila balik cepat supaya aku boleh jumpa depan-depan, cakap Happy Birthday, I Love you mucho mucho! Muah muah! dan bagi prezzie yang tak dibeli lagi. Hee. xx